Category Archives: Friendships

Six ways to make people like you (with thanks to Dale Carnegie and John Maxwell)

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How to Win Friends and Influence People

This weekend at the Bridge (our Sunday evening service) Jessica and I will be continuing our March discussion on “conversation disconnect” where we’ve been evaluating some of the requisite principles of great communication. Learning to communicate well is not only important for strengthening our existing relationships, but it also equips us to effectively reach out to new friends and acquaintances. In his book Winning With People John Maxwell expands on six suggestions from Dale Carnegie’s famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Here are the six suggestions with selected comments from Maxwell.

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
Someone once asked Perle Mesta, the greatest Washington hostess since Dolly Madison, the secret of her success in getting so many famous people to attend her parties. “It’s all in the greetings and good-byes,” she claimed. As her guests arrived, she met them with, “At last you’re here!” As each one departed, she expressed her regrets by saying, “I’m sorry you have to leave so soon!”

2. Smile.
Have you ever experienced one of those look-in-the-mirror realizations about yourself that changed the way you lived? I had one when I was in the third grade. I looked at my face, and I thought, John, you are not a handsome dude. I wondered, What can I do to change that? Then I smiled. And I thought, That helps! I’ve been smiling ever since.

3. Remember that a person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound.

4. Be a good listener–encourage others to talk about themselves.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
A young married couple sat silently on a porch swing one warm June evening. The young wife looked over at her new husband and asked, “George, do you think my eyes are beautiful?”
“Yep,” answered George. A minute went by.
“George, do you think my hair is attractive?”
Again George answered, “Yep.” More time passed.
“George, would you say that I have a gorgeous figure?”
Once again George answered, “Yep!”
“Oh, George,” she gushed, “you say the nicest things.”

6. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.

As we approach the Easter season wherein we intentionally reach out to friends and loved ones with church invitations, let’s communicate in ways that express genuine interest, kindness, and compassion.

Fix in times of peace what might break in times of war

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English: Damaged houses in Beaufort, South Car...

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

That’s decent advice for some areas of our lives; however, when it comes to our key relationships there needs to be a caveat: if it could break, fix it before it does. Even more specifically, fix during times of peace what might break during times of war.

Right now everything is really great with my family. We’re all getting along. There is nothing too traumatic pressing up against our tension points, and we’re not having delicate conversations about awkward, emotional issues. It’s nice.

However, that doesn’t mean that aren’t cracks and issues underneath the surface that could split wide open in the right (or wrong) situation. Fortunately, I think I’m aware of what some of those family cracks are and I’m intentionally attempting to reinforce and heal them. I’ve learned the hard way that a time of war is not the best time to try to mend relational challenges. It is much better to intentionally pursue relational health when things are peaceful and good.

Sadly many people fail to operate this way. They’re urgent to fix their problems when the pressures of life pushes those problems to the surface, but as soon as things settle down they lose their sense of urgency. Consequently, their unresolved issues lurk just below the surface, waiting to rear up and wreak havoc during times of pressure, fighting, or stress.

Jesus said, “Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?”

Let’s be wise kings, counting the cost and fixing in times of peace what might break in times of war.

Curing Eeyore

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Eeyore as depicted by Disney

Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and looked at himself in the water.

“Pathetic,” he said. “That’s what it is. Pathetic.”

He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again.

“As I thought,” he said. “No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that’s what it is.” (Excerpt from Winnie the Pooh)

Everyone knows an Eeyore, someone who is habitually negative or pessimistic and can find a way to rain on even the happiest of parades. Eeyores find problems in every solution, constantly expect the worst, and project their unhappiness on to everyone around them.

Eeyores must be stopped.  They’re hurting themselves, they’re exhausting their friends, and they’re polluting the atmosphere in the 40-acre wood.

Chronic criticism and negativity poison relationships, assassinate joy, and damage faith, and at risk of offering pat, overly simplistic counsel let me suggest some potential cures for Eyore’s gloominess:

  1. Go on a “thank you” fast. Designate some time to express gratitude for every blessing you can identify regardless of how small it might be.
  2. Embark on a total life makeover, an aggressive but realistic campaign to overhaul your fitness, budget, friendships, hobbies, and self-esteem.
  3. Join a small group and inform them of your plans to change.
  4. If necessary get the appropriate therapy or medical help.
  5. Read…pray…worship…reach out—do whatever it takes to get in God’s presence and linger there. He adores you, and His ultimate plan for you is good.

Your Batman utility belt

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“All right, Mr. Wayne, let’s go down your check list…grapple gun?”

“Check.”

Batman's utility belt

“Communication device?”

“Check.”

“Bat-cuffs?”

“Check.”

“Bat-lasso?”

“Check.”

“Bat-tracker?”

“Check.”

“Bat-mobile and Kevlar bat suit?”

“Check…check.”

“Vision to save Gotham City?”

“Check.”

“And how about a friend to prop you up when the weight of the world gets too much?”

“Thanks to you, Alfred, that too is a check.”

So what about YOU? As you begin a New Year do you have the necessary items for your optimum spiritual growth and development?

  • Do you have a small group of Sherpas (friends and colleagues who will climb life’s mountains with you)?
  • Do you have your spot picked out where you will wait on God daily?
  • Do you have your Bible, journal, and devotional book? (Note: My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers is one of the best devotionals I’ve found)
  • Do you have a vision for how you will personally grow while blessing the world around you?
  • Have you donned your spiritual armor and are you actively covering your loved ones in prayer?
  • Have you tied up any lingering loose ends from 2012?
  • Are you ready to mark 2013 as a year of victory and new beginnings?

If so then I think you’re set. Say hello to the Caped Crusader for me (sorry had to say it).

Summer Reading Program–Week Eight

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Sweethearts Box

Sweethearts Box (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Grace Church Summer Reading Program: Lord, Make My Life a Miracle by Ray and Anne Ortlund. Chapters Eight and Nine: “Be a Christian Wife” and “Be a Christian Husband”

“I would like him to have kind eyes, a nice laugh, and a fun sense of humor.”

“I want him to be sensitive, good with children, and a great communicator.”

“I want him to take care of his appearance and health, but I don’t want him to be overly obsessed with it.”

“I want him to be good with money.”

“I want him to be responsible but still have an adventurous side to him.”

“I want him to love nature and the outdoors—and, oh yeah, dogs, he must love dogs.”

“I want him to love God more than he loves me (but I certainly want him to be crazy in love with me).”

“I want him to be romantic, thoughtful, and kind.”

“And I want him to think I’m the prettiest woman in the world.”

Before marriage people often have a pretty extensive list of the quality traits that they’re looking for in their spouse, but after enough time has passed many couples “settle” in their marriage. No one sets out to “settle” in the selection of their mate, and yet as the busyness and daily-ness of life sets in a lot of couples settle for being roommates instead of sweethearts.

This is not God’s intention for our marriages, and in chapters eight and nine of their book Lord, Make My Life a Miracle Pastor Ray and Anne Ortlund deliver a stiff one-two punch to married couples who have gotten a little lethargic about pursuing and fulfilling the vows of their marriage covenant. In chapter eight they address wives, and in chapter nine they address husbands.

These chapters are intense and challenging—but that’s good because our marriages are worth fighting for and paying a price for, and sometimes it’s good to be challenged to re-prioritize our priorities.

If you’re married, please read both chapters in their entirety, and then faithfully pay the price to continue building a marriage worth fighting for.

For more information about our summer reading program go to www.gracechurchlaverne.org.